It had to happen. They couldn’t stay isolated forever. The Krakoa era of X-Men meets its’ first cross over in Empyre: X-Men #1 by Jonathan Hickman, Tini Howard, Matteo Buffagni, and Nolan Woodard. It’s Alien Plants vs Mutant Zombies vs Old Ladies.
Nola Pfau: Well, Allison. It’s been a while. Remember the days of yore, screaming about Jean and Emma?
Allison Senecal: ‘Tis now a distant memory, but I think I vaguely recall raving about bosoms, yes…
NP: There was definitely some of that, sort of a funny contrast to that being a silent issue. This time, though, we’re trading bosoms for dialogue, and I have to say I’m not sure the trade is a fair one.
AS: And here I thought we traded bosoms for zombies. Definitely not a fair trade.
Fear The Night Of The Walking Dead
NP: God. The zombies. Between Marvel Zombies, Blackest Night, DCeased, and…god, what else? I’m so tired of superhero zombies. I know the Genoshan mutants aren’t technically superheroes, but also, who cares? It’s tired and it’s boring and I hate it.
AS: Yeah, Christ. There are a few exceptions but zombies are my least favorite horror beat at this point, and especially in superhero comics. Was Contagion also zombies, because that was just last year, too. I don’t mind it as much as I could here, because it’s played largely for a laugh at least. And I do love a good bone joke. I feel like a square for roasting a comic for the plot just being fun and zombies, but.
NP: It is played for laughs and that does help it, but also…we could have laughs without zombies, and that would be even better! When it’s played off against an alien invasion as well, the entire thing just feels so…forced. Like someone was throwing darts at a wall of story beats. There’s a plant man! His name is Ru’tuh-baga! Get it! GET IT? [Ed. note: I do and I laughed]
AS: This is a thousand yard stare that I’m doing right now. Can you see that? I’m not entirely forgiving it. But it’s…less bad than it could be. I did really love the jawbone bit, I’m sorry. I loved it. And the meat jokes. Loving Gideon the Ninth prepared me for this series. I just wish we were focusing on the plant alien portion of this a lot more considering the event it’s tied into (we got a lot of plant jokes and not much additive Cotati stuff), but I guess we can hope it goes somewhere interesting considering the sensitive topic of Genosha and the beginning scenes with Scarlet Witch? [Ed. note: T H E P R E T E N D E R W A N D A M A X I M O F F]
NP: I just want to point out that aliens named after vegetables is literally a long-running gag from Dragonball Z. But yes! Scarlet Witch’s opening scenes in this book are incredible. In fact there’s a lot of really, really strong character work going on, when we pay attention to actual X-Men/Mutants/Pretenders. There’s like…half of a really incredible comic book in here.
Ring A Bigger Bell
AS: I wanna scream “so how long has it been since we’ve seen Angel doing something interesting?!” but let’s start with Wanda, so we can still breathe by the end of this. I do really love that she decides to make right something that wasn’t her giant M-Day snafu. As Doctor Strange points out, she probably can’t make that right without %$#&ing it up even more, but it’s good to see some direct personal dissection of her actions, finally, without the dancing around it that Avengers books seem to do.
NP: A legit redemption arc for Wanda, even just an attempt at one, is such a nice thing to see. Obviously, it goes very badly for her, but the attempt is important. I also loved Strange in this? He sounds absolutely insufferable as the issue opens (and as he should), but the point he makes about her not being able to unring that bell is a profound one. I also really loved the metatextual acknowledgement that nothing Wanda does is ever going to separate her character from the events of M-day.
AS: So. It’s really nice to finally see what the announced and then abandoned X-Corp book was kind of supposed to be, eh? We could have had THIS. Endless bossing and ribbing from M to Angel, corporate warfare against horrid human billionaires, and charming little salad breaks. Weep weep. Monet is an admitted favorite of Hickman’s (and mine) and she had that nice little turn in House of X last summer, so we knew she’d show up again, but it is damn good to have Warren on-page, doing stuff again.
NP: It’s so good! And god those dunks. As if the “Warren could take them” line wasn’t enough, the bit where M tells him “…you’re welcome to answer to me.” Allison, do you…do you think they wrote that especially for us? Because it feels like they did.
There is one thing I take issue with here, and it’s the appearance of the red/white costume with no symbol on the chest. It’s not the lack of a symbol itself I take issue with, mind you, but the fact that Warren is wasting a perfectly good opportunity for a boob window.
AS: Give Warren his very own Power Girl speech, damn you! And yes, every Warren bit of this issue was written for us. We lit some incense and finally got the content we deserve. Loved him throwing away M’s trash on command. If his role on Krakoa is being her mutant footstool, I think I can live with that. (And so can he, no doubt.) Gentle roasts aside, we were also gifted with a really touching scene between him and X, wherein it is confirmed that when we eat the rich, we won’t eat Warren. [Ed. note: suit yourself, more for me then] He’s a good billionaire, I won’t be convinced otherwise. That “the family I chose” line will be ripping me up for a month.
NP: God, what an absolute gut punch of a line. It’s so good to not just see Marvel’s Only Good Billionaire, but to see him with a clear and concise character thesis. There’s no angsting about mechanical wings, no weird amnesia angle that doesn’t go anywhere, just pure, innocent and pure Warren [Ed. note: Kenneth] Worthington the Third. I said pure twice and I MEANT IT. Side note, as bad as the amnesia thing was, the one thing it got right was that taking away Warren’s entire personality meant that he just went 100% himbo, and boy was that wild.
AS: You were right twice and you should say it. Yeah, I’ve been super duper concerned where Hickman and company were taking him, or if there was a clear direction at all. There hasn’t been for a good while. And there seems to be? And it’s good? As you said, concise. He’s also not a complete idiot like he was during aforementioned amnesia, or his old true blue playboy days. It’s just right. A little supportive himbo, a little effective CEO. It’s GOOD. I half-expected to not come out of this too pleased, but I am. (If that was all Howard, I would love to see her do more with him down the line.) There, I said “good” as much as you said “pure”.
NP: Honestly these scenes made me wish that X-Corp hadn’t been canceled. I’d love to see more along these lines, and soon.
AS: Please, let X-Corp spin out of X of Swords or something, risen from the ashes.
NP: Anyway, I feel like we’re dwelling on this as long as humanly possible, so that we can avoid talking about the other big thing from this issue: Hordeculture.
We Don’t Need To Be Experts, We’re Trashy
AS: In all fairness, I think I’d like Hordeculture more if they hadn’t been introduced in my least favorite X-Men issue of this run. But they were, so now they have to live alongside my hatred of too many Emma-is-a-whore jokes. They fit well with Hickman’s humor but also are a product of Hickman’s humor, which I’m not really a fan of in lengthy spurts like this. So, here we are.
NP: Yeah, I too will admit that the particular context of their introduction is what really soured me on them. It’s possible they’ll turn out to be great! But we don’t know yet, we only have the one prior appearance to go on, and so it’s unlucky for them that their second one happens to be in the book the two of us are covering. As it is, there’s not very much to go on, even here; it’s a last page reveal wherein they bicker, one of them makes a lewd joke about Warren, and everyone gets covered in questionable, unpleasant fluids.
AS: At least the Warren joke was relatable, just replace “mutants” with “men”. Also, some side notes. I did enjoy seeing how and why Jamie got picked for this mission. “One citizen”, indeed. Take that, Erik. Now we just pray we don’t end up with a thousand Multiple Zombie Men. Also loving Yana in this. It may be the most her she’s felt since this new line launched.
NP: God, Multiple Zombie Men is such a cursed concept. Jamie is another one I’d really like to see explored in depth outside of Peter David’s work, or even Matthew Rosenberg’s. I feel like as a character he’s been made to saddle some difficult concepts in some very inelegant ways. Stick him in the X-Corp book when you resurrect it for us, Marvel. Plus, he’ll save on personnel costs!
AS: *chanting* X-CORP! X-CORP! X-CORP!
X-Traneous Thots
- None, every thot was important to the mission
- Krakoan reads: Zombie Hordes
Nola Pfau is Editor-in-Chief of WWAC and generally a bad influence.
