At this point you better know drill. We’ve got three writers, a tie-in, zombies, old ladies, and just a heck of a lot of chaos. Vita Ayala, Ed Brisson, Zeb Wells, Andrea Broccardo, and Noland Woddard bring you, Empyre: X-Men #3.
Allison Senecal: So, there’s almost no Warren in this one, so I guess we gotta talk about plot and stuff this time. In full.
Nola Pfau: …is it too late to quit?
AS: Red Tiddy Yana would be upset if we did. [I KNOW YOU WON’T LET ME KEEP THAT, ZACK, IT’S FINE] [Ed. note: Whatever it’s my website, I’ll leave it in if I want]
NP: Hm. You make a compelling point. Fine then, “reading” it is, I guess.
I Guess The Zombie Is The Lawn Now
NP: I guess a lot of people felt like the tone of the last issue was uneven? I got a way stronger sense of that with this issue (then again, maybe it was just the lack of Warren). Whereas before I felt like the zombie plot was secondary to the actual interesting things going on, this issue seemed to push the zombies back to the fore, which meant I almost immediately started checking out again.
AS:I sighed very deeply at the Cotati zombies and soldiered on because Selene showed up looking like that. I dunno, lots of zombie action early on, which absolutely made me check out as well. And then Beast, acting entirely unlike Beast…so not a promising start.
NP: Yeah. I was real frustrated both that the zombies immediately defaulted to “brains” and the introduction of the Cotati zombies, although I did like the fact that they were able to just create a door of sorts for the seed pod. I was definitely here for Yana having no time for anyone questioning her, though. It’s a good read of her character that after so long ruling Limbo, she just plain takes to authority well, especially in chaotic situations.
AS: Could be why she’s a Captain of Krakoa, I dunno. I’ve seen a lot of people question that, and whatever, they’re wrong. [Ed. note: just massively wrong] Extremely here for her just blowing off Beast and threatening Hordeculture in the same page. We do get Kurt with some bio-nerf guns which was pretty sweet. And I really appreciated the little resurrection protocol throwaway line from whichever Cuckoo this was getting the spotlight (would have been nice to have her named, unless I’m just an idiot). Love that you can just shout your rebirthing wishes at the nearest authority figure.
NP: It’s good that there’s at least one Rasputin family member you can trust with that sort of thing. You’re right about the unnamed Cuckoos, too. It’s especially frustrating because there are two in that scene, and we don’t know either of their names. Also, not to dither over tactics, but if you’re going to summon a bunch of Krakoan plant armor to fight zombies, and the zombies are specifically after brains, wouldn’t it make sense to make…I dunno…helmets? Anyway. I hate zombies.
Should we talk more about how bad Beast is?
He’s Just…So Bad, Folks
AS: Easily the worst member of the O5. *Stares directly into entirely fake camera.*
[Ed. note: For those of you who aren’t up on the latest Xavier Files gossip, Allison is mad at me for an article I wrote several years ago calling Angel “boring”. And then JDW doing the same thing earlier this week on AiPT.]
Worse here because he’s pretty out of character, or maybe so in character that he has his head that far up his own %&$. He just committed some light mass murder in X-Force, and he’s over here saying he doesn’t do killing.
NP: It’s honestly wild. I rag on Beast a lot, because he sucks and is terrible. I do it on Twitter, I do it over at WWAC where I write X-Force reviews [Ed. note: which, by the way, if you aren’t reading that good content at WWAC you are missing out], it’s basically my sworn duty to point out the myriad ways in which he is and always will be the worst. I think you’re right that he sits on this weird line here of being out of character at least as far as his current portrayal goes, but it’s absolutely a very Beast thing to assume he’s better than he is. His portrayal here also felt very early 90s, which was jarring. We haven’t seen jovial, bantery Beast in a long time, and while I definitely prefer that version, he’s gonna have a lot of work ahead of him to get back to it.
Anyway, the b-plot here is him working with one of Hordeculture (maybe they just get along because they’re both the worst?) to develop a kind of countermeasure to the Cotati plant structure, which they then synthesize into a liquid that can be dispersed by Super Soakers, which are also conveniently on hand, because…sure, I guess?
AS: Which is how you get Kurt into this story, come on! He even gets to say “holy smokes!” in German a bunch. I do love that they were allowed to take one extra mutant with them and now look at the mess. I hope the finale ends with Warren yelling at Magneto, but I know it will not.
I do really really love this sequence with Yana and the unnamed Cuckoo. It’s like the final push in a creepy RPG dungeon, with the big loot item there in the center of the room, beckoning like the cursed object you know it is. There is literally a terrible pulsating staff like this in Dragon Age.
NP: I’m glad you mentioned the one extra mutant! It feels almost like the creative team is half forgetting Jamie and M the same way I did reading up to this point.
AS: Oh no, I had too.
NP: We do finally get to check in on them and answer the question of what they’re doing. The answer is…not a whole lot! M is unconscious, and Jamie is staying with her, a nice little nod to their previous ties. Explodey Kid offers them a deal; he’ll blow up the Cotati zombies if they let him and his friends have the scraps left behind, to which Jamie says “uh, sure?” Hope no one points out that Jamie’s a potentially limitless food source to these zombies. Anyway, that’s that for their entire appearance. Now, let’s talk about that YANA.
Wouldst Thou Like To Live Deliciously?
AS: I WOULDST LIKE THE TASTE OF BUTTER. Pretty sure Zack won’t let us chant the lyrics to WAP here [Ed. note: am I the Ben Shapiro here?], but that’s pretty much where I’m at over this. I can’t believe the creative team once again reached into our brains, but this time the big demon lady portion. I have so many questions, like what were the Cotati doing with what is named like an Asgardian weapon. Yggdrasil, anyone? But whatever, what a way to take this series.
NP: There’s a radio edit, it’s fine. Seeing that transformation was incredible. I especially enjoyed the expression on her face when it first happened; it was extremely “no thoughts, head empty,” and like, that’s the kinda demoness I’m trying to be. My only thing is that I think she seems…very skinny in this form? I feel like she could be a little thicker. But still, she’s large, red, she has horns and digitigrade, hooved legs…you love to see it.
AS: Petition to have all future demoness forms, including Darkchylde, be big and beefy. Love those goat ladies. All the residual magic starts sapping the glamour Hordeculture had on Warren too, which yes excellent, as he starts quietly puking in the background here. Good content. I think it’s just too much for a himbo. Also whomst is Alak-rah, the VOID SPIDER? I want to see this Void Spider. I assume we’re talking something like Lolth, in which case phew. Too many big fantasy proper nouns and I start getting excited.
NP: I, too, welcome the void. Spider. Void Spider, I mean. I love that Warren is the “I don’t feel so good guy” in every horror movie, because you know if he were actually in a horror movie, he’d be DOOMED. It’s a very accurate read of the character.
After that, there’s a Cotati zombie head that talks about meeting sins, very boilerplate “reaping what you sow” kind of stuff, as the seedpod, which the zombies have now corrupted, gives birth to a GIANT plant zombie. Everything seems real bad, and with only one issue to go! HOW EVER WILL OUR HEROES GET OUT OF THIS ONE?!
AS: I do appreciate the contrast between what apparently happens when you sow an invasion in Genosha, versus the Cotati trying the same thing in Wakanda. I guess this is why good soil is important. I’m more or less excited about the giant plant zombie lord thing. More, if Warren is in the last issue more. Less, if he isn’t.
NP: Honestly, just make the last issue Warren and Demoness Yana. We don’t really need anything else!
X-Traneous Thots
- Jamie and M. They didn’t do a single thing! M slept through the whole issue (which, fair)!
- The zombies are still the most boring part of this entire thing.
- Where did the Shadow King go!!!
- Why does this issue act like Quentin Quire is “cool.” He is not.
- Zack tell us what the Krakoan text says, you know we don’t read. [Ed. note: It says Ring A Bigger Bell]
Nola Pfau is Editor-in-Chief of WWAC and generally a bad influence.
